just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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