put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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