it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
