This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
