I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
