I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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