I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize