There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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