So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Well I just put wine in my tea
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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