You smell like a Billy Joel song
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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