Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
