As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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