It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
