On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize