i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
