I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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