I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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