I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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