I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
