It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
