Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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