I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
