Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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