I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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