The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
