I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
In other news, I just burned my penis
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
