I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
