i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
