Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
