I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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