dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
