I can text with my tongue
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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