I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
