Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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