Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize