I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
