I want to stick my p in your. b.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
