I wish I could teleport
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
