i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
