I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
