Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
