i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
