Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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