I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
