I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
