I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
