Where are you?
In a non slutty way
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
