i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
