I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
