You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
After last night, I could never be a politician.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
