I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
