I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
My day in three words: secret purse cake
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize