masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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