Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
