i just wanna soil my oats bro
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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