3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
