OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
