Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
