Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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